MY BLOG ENTRIES

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The game of life

Heart attacks, auto accidents, mounting debts, work problems...  Every conceivable kind of bad news lurks around the corner.  No wonder we find it difficult to play the game of life successfully.  Each breath we take is a gamble that we won't catch airborne viruses nor inhale dangerous fumes.  From the moment we open our eyes in the morning to the time we sleep at night, our lives are filled with danger and disappointment.  Think of life in terms of basketball :  At times, we might put too much energy on the first quarter and end up too tired to go on the next.  At other times, we feel so down and cheated that we want to just stop playing altogether.  And oftentimes, we get too aggressive we incur fouls in the early going.  The goal is to find a style and strategy in playing the game of life that keeps us in competition.

Kill the reminisce bug

The attitude that says, "The best of times are all behind us" is demoralizing.  It only encourages us to lose interest in what is in front of us and what lays ahead.  You start to reminisce about the great past that can never be brought back and be saddened in the process.  Nothing good comes of it. When you catch yourself wishing for the "good ol times", make it a point to stop and think of something you like and appreciate about today.  Else, think of something you are looking forward to, and get motivated about it.  Nothing beats today and tomorrow...  So cherish it.

Backbiting

You can deny having backbitten anyone, reasoning that you always intend to let your opinion of the person be known anyway.  You may have created your own definition of backbiting, extending the borders of what is acceptable, to excuse your own behavior.  We must realize that backbiting is unforgivable.  It is the worst form of hypocrisy.  The intention to hurt another is clear.  How the object of scorn will be affected depends on the type of person he is.  He may even emerge unmarked by your ugly efforts, but you certainly won't.  You ruin you own sense of honor, trustworthiness, and credibility.  Don't do it.  Learn from the consequences of backbiting and banish your insecurities to eliminate the need to damage another's reputation.  Improve yourself and channel your energies into productive activities.  Backbiting are for people who have nothing better to do.

Let's count our blessings

At the most desperate moment, when I feel that things can't get any worse, in that darkest hour of hopelessness, I take a deep breath and echo in my head what my mom always says, " count your blessings".  But how do you count your blessings when you just lost your job?  Have no money in the bank? Just lost the love of your life?  Found out your loved one is terminal?  How then could you muster the strength to count your blessings?  These are the perfect times for us to focus on the good things we have.  The pain or dilemma might not go away but it gives us a better perspective of the situation, calm our nerves, think clearly, and act on the problem.  When I feel that the world is caving in and my tears of hopelessness are just about to fall, I look at my hands, stretch my fingers, and start to count my blessings.  I can talk...  I can see...  I have a family...  I have lots of friends...  I am whole and I can cope with this minor setback.  Try it...  In your darkest hour, at the height of a most unfortunate situation, count your blessings...  and begin with your fingers.

Believe in yourself!

When you make a mistake, you curse yourself to the ground.  When a friend betrays you, you are crushed and completely devastated. When you are hit by a set back, you decidedly quit altogether.  And that's it.  End of the world.  But look again...  Life goes on.  One thing's for sure, the past is gone.  No one can relieve it nor get it back.  As much as the happiness and the triumphs of the past are gone, so are the failures and the pain.  All behind us.  If you will choose to dwell on the pain and insist on nursing your depression, you will waste your present and destroy all chances of building a better future.  Pain, depression, fear, anger...  These negative forces can render the most optimistic person doubtful of his strengths and capabilities.  This is where positive thinking comes in.  No amount of money, training, genetics, prayer, or persuasion can move a man to do something he thinks he can't do.  Have faith in yourself.  This is the core of what you have going for you.  Trust yourself to remain true to your feelings, steadfast in your desire to reach your goals, and determined to never settle for second best.  Believe in yourself.  So that whatever life throws at you, you can catch it with strength of spirit and you can come back wiser and more at peace with yourself. 

Sunday, December 26, 2010

imprisoned heart


I've watched a thousand sunsets pass
Yet still found yearning in these eyes
Whenever I wish for wings and fly
I soar the darkness in the skies
I've seen countless raindrops fall
Looking for you all these time
As the birds had wings to fly
How I wish, I too, had mine
The red sky burns my fate
Thus, I avoid the setting sun
In hopes that I might find you someway
I wait for the coming dawn
Searching the heavens for answers
As I watch the time pass by
Waiting for an absolution
Of the truth amidst the lies
Devastating lies that cut my wings
Lies that led me into the fall
Like angels on the verge of suicide
Forever trapped in these burning walls..

still...

I fall silent into this melancholy
Hoping an end to this misery
As shattered pieces of you
Is what is now left in me
I've seen a million raindrops fall
But the answers are so few
I find nothing to suffice this desire
Still haunted by memories of you
You're beyond the reach of just a friend
So I quench my thirst of love with pain
And I subject myself to grief
Just to be with you again
I basked in your memory
As tears fall from my eyes
In hopes that I might find you
I soar the darkest of skies
I am now just a quarter
Of what I used to be
Yet a small part of you is all I need
To make myself feel complete
Now as I retire myself once more
I hope to lay my mind in peace
But in this coming dawn, I wake
And I find... You're still with me.

who I am is you


Here I am... Lost...
Feeling uninvited...
A feeling of superfluous vulnerability
With emotions unwanted
Lost in a world
Bombarded with ill intentions
Lost in a self
Filled with chaotic sensations
Asking for guidance, needing strength
Unsure of what's to come
Asking help, needing love
Unsure of who I am
And you are the someone
The someone to save me from my fall
The one I prayed for and more
With whom I'm ready to give my all
Find me in my world and make me
Teach me and never let me go
Mold me.. and hold me
And if there's nothing else to make me whole
then go ahead and take me...
Go ahead and break me...
So that you can remake me
Into what you think I should be
For with you I have the chance
With you I can be free
Free to not be me
But what you'd want me to be...

Rain

We were sitting by the window pane
And I know...  It will never be the same again
He looked out, at the skies above
Then he looked at me, whispered softly,
"It looks like rain"
I turned so he won't see

The tears fall from my face
I tell myself it's not meant to be
It's time to cut the chase
As drop by drop, the water splatters

Drumming on the roof, unto the gutters
He quietly hummed their song
In the rhythm of the rain, he droned on and on...
I struggled to shut out the sound
To shut out the feelings inside
The love, only in him I found
Washed away by the rain... carried by the tide
He reaches for the guitar at his feet
Slowly strumming, he murmurs her name
He smiles as each note meets
Not knowing with each strum, my soul cries in pain
The time has come, the time I most fear
And I tried to smile, in vain
I whispered softly so he doesn't hear...
"yes, it feels like rain".

you won't send me roses

You won't send me roses
Nor remember which dress I wore
You loathe hugs and caresses
You won't even hold open the door
Lacking a romantic soul
Your mind is much too in control
You've a fast -paced life and temper's cross
And with romantic words..  you're at a loss
People tried to warn me, now their warnings I heed
For now I know, with you, forgetting birthdays is guaranteed
In you I could find things like guts and nerve
But not the kind of things that I deserve
A true song with real melody
Someone who shows how he really loves me
You always tell me you need the time...  need the energy
To be that person you've always dreamed to be
And I know it's not your fault, for with you it's inbred
So I just have to be strong, and must keep my head.
And if you should love me, please let me be the last to know
For I might settle for less...  For the care you can barely show
And while there's still a fighting chance,
I must turn around and go.
For you won't send me roses..
... and roses suit me so.

Mask

I have this mask that I wear daily
Which protects me from the world, and protects me from me
Behind it I hide, what I really feel
Behind a picture of sunshine, was the shadow of what's real
I seem to lose my sanity
Oh mask.. mask..  I am tired and weary
Weary of hiding fears and weaknesses
with an illusion, a face of happiness
With a world of lies and deceit
The golden world which surrounds me
Putting up the twinkling eyes and brilliant smile
Though deep inside, a soul that cries
A thousand questions fill my mind
Countless answers I search to find
Would this hiding last forever?
Is this life, or is there something better?
How long will this darkness last?
How long must I wear this mask?

Tula para sa iyo

Pinipilit kong gumawa ng tula
At makabuo ng mga salitang makata
Nang sa gayo'y sa iyo'y mapadama
Masisidhing damdaming aking nadarama
Sinubukan ko ang pagkanta
Upang sa aki'y mapalapit ka
Ngunit wari'y sintunado, wala sa tono
Kaya't sa halip na mapamahal
Heto ako't bigo sa pagibig mo
Sa anong paraan kaya maaaring iparating
Ang aking kalooban at aking pagtingin
Kapag sinayawan kaya'y iyong pansinin?
Mahalin mo kaya kung sarili'y baguhin?
Ngunit paano ko ito maipararating sayo
KUng tuwing nakikita ka'y napipipi at nabobobo?
Natutulala sa iyong mga ngiti
Mga salitang sasabihi'y naiiwan saking mga labi
Higit pang pinahirap ng aking pagiging binibini
Dahilan kaya't damdami'y di masabi sabi
Kinakailangan bang ika'y aking hintayin pa
Na kusang lumapit at magtapat ng pagsinta?
Hindi ako marunong sumayaw at kumanta
Hindi ako marunong bumuo ng tula
Ngunit pagibig ko'y tunay, buo, at nagiisa
Sana'y malaman mo, ikaw lamang, wala nang iba pa...

if you don't love me

With dreams dreamt by fools
I am caught up in yesterday
Reality and fantasy
These memories from far away
A mind littered with broken dreams
And the madness of having you
A heart filled with wishes
That never quite came true
I detest myself for being weak
Cursing fate for being unkind
For you being so near
Knowing you can't ever be mine
But when I feel the emptiness
And when all my hopes are dying
Again, I would think of you
And my love would keep me trying
But I've done all I could
And everything I thought I couldn't
I am the measure of fools
Hoping for things I know I shouldn't
I hoped that someday you'd feel the same
Even if for now you just won't
But you just can't teach your heart to love me
Because you can't...  if you really don't.

After all

With him moving on
With him, being okay
I have given him my all
But still the one who's left to pay
How many times have I said
That soon I'd give this up
How many questions have I asked
With answers, that I should stop
How much more can I take
Before I can say I've had enough
How much pain must I endure
To break this facade of being tough
Why don't I get tired
Of acting unaffected
How long must I deny
A dream that already ended?
Can I ever accept
That he was the one who gave me up
When will I ever forget
That for him...  I wasn't enough?
And why is it that after all the tears
And the pain he'd made me see
After all these time
Till now, he still has all of me.

Too much

I was there to have fun
But then I saw you
You were something I didn't plan
A longing I never knew
Days passed
And this feeling grew
I became restless
Wishing for even a small part of you
I vowed never again to fall
But with you I'm at my weakest
Content with even a little glance
Would even have settled for less
You're so near, yet so far
For when I stretch my arms I could almost reach you
But you don't even know I exist
Don't even know I'm here loving you
I know I'm fooling myself
Know you're just a dream, a wish, a prayer
And that only when I close my eyes
Could you be with me forever
And now it hurts so much to see
How you're happy with your life without me there
And in your eyes I see my longing
But it's a longing you feel for her
And no matter what she lacks
The million things she might not have
I'd still give everything just to be her
Because she's the one who has your love
And I have to be content
Even if only from afar do I watch
And I have to be okay in loving you
Even if it's a little bit too much.

Faith in you

My heart tells me
For you, I could give all
But my mind whispers
I'm not ready for the fall
But I can't help myself
I kept giving more
Though knowing I can't make it through
If again I go through what I did before
What is it in you?
That I'm willing to take this chance
Willing to look past shadows
And burning walls askance
Help me to feel again
Remove this callousness left untended
Take away the fears
Of a soul that never mended
I couldn't see the future
I do not know what's on your mind
I do not have the answers
I do not know what I would find
So I leave it all to fate
And hope it wouldn't let us part
And now it's all up to you
Please take care of my heart...

Life's questions

They say love takes time
But who could ever say?
Who are we to know
For love moves in its own way
We love, we get hurt
Then we are never the same
And we wonder, is there really love?
Or is it all a twisted game?
We ask a million questions
But never seem to get an answer
We wait a lifetime for that someone
But is that someone really there?
Only few remain to hope
And only few would still believe
Most of us received our wounds
But few are left with love to give
We are taught that these are tests
The trials to make us tough
But is there ever an end
Who's there to say we've had enough?
We know we would only lose
But it's easier to succumb to bitterness
For how could we find the strength to fight
If in every loss...  we love ourselves less?

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I can't love you
I'm sorry I can't care
I'm sorry if I don't miss you
Even when you're not there
I'm sorry to forget easily
The things that we have shared
I'm sorry not to think about
The things you do or how you fared
I know you tried to reach me
And tried to make me care
I'm sorry I didn't have that part of me
For you that I could share
I'm sorry if I'm happy
And in not knowing that you cried
I'm sorry if I couldn't see
The pain you suffer and tears you hide
I'm sorry I chose the other
The one with the perfect smile
And I didn't give you a moment
Nor notice you even awhile
These are words I wish you'd utter
The reality I wish weren't true
The truth that left me knowing
That I could never be for you.

saglit lang

Nakakabaliw!
Nakakainis!
Putangina .. ang sakit sakit!
Nakakaulul!
Nakakapagod!
Pait sa dibdib umaanod
Kailan matatapos
Kailan ang wakas
Ilang gabi pa ba?
Ilan pang bukas?
Itinapon na nga
Lahat ng iyong ala ala
Ngunit sa puso nandoon ka
Pati yun ba'y itatapon na?
Sinubukang kumawala
Sinubukan sa iba
Ngunit lahat sa kanila
Ikaw pa rin ang nakikita
Kaya't kahit mukhang tanga
Anu mang sabihin ng iba
Kahit gaano katagal
Heto pa rin ako't umaasa
Na may iba ka mang mahal
Sana'y kahit kaunti
Puso mo'y ipahiram sakin
Ng kahit sandali.

emoterang frog

Bakit ganoon
Noo'y hindi ko nadarama
Noo'y kaibigan lamang
Noo'y hindi ko nakikita
Noo'y masaya pa
Ngunit bakit biglang naiba?
At ngayon pag ika'y nakikitang kasama siya
Ang saya'y may poot na kasama
Alam kong hindi magtatagal
Ang pagsasamahang kinaiingatan
Pagka't tayo'y di para sa isa't isa
Nalalapit ang panahon, ako'y iyo ring iiwan
Pinipigilan ang damdamin
Pinipigilan ang puso
Pagtatapat ng pagibig di mo kailanman madidinig
Pagka't alam kong ako'y di para sa iyo
Handa mang ibigay ang lahat
Hinding hindi pa rin mapapantayan
Ang iyong mga hinahanap
Na sa kanya lamang natagpuan
Kaya't tahimik na lamang na magmamahal
Sa malayo na lamang magmamasid
Itatago na lamang ang mga luha
At sasarilihin ang pagibig.

How do you know if it's real?

Are the tears I cry
Not tears of pain?
Are they only to hide
My fear and shame?
Was it just a trick of fate
Is loving just a lie?
Was the yearning I felt
Just a fruit of my pride?
Was it just a moment
Or a lifetime that passed by
Does real love have questions?
Does real love ask why?
Was it just desperation
That caused my death inside?
Or can it be the real love
The same love that you denied
But I can't accept it to be real
For in being so, it would mean
It is as it was before
And I'm the failure I've always been
But whatever it was
Your memories would always remain
And in my mind, it brings me happiness
Unsure if I'd ever have again.

Lost

I saw him pass by
As every eyes turned his way
Everybody heaved a sigh
And we all watched him walk away
I never thought I'd feel it
I thought it's just a game
A little time was all it took
And then I was never the same
Although I know I'm a coward
When it comes to love's games
I gathered all my courage
Just to make him feel the same
He did everything right
He made everything good
I felt what I thought I won't again
Coz he treated me like he never should
But never did I know
I fueled his friends' laughter
I was only a joke
A jest that never mattered
He never said goodbye
Never even saw me cry
I searched for answers...  I asked why
For when he left, something inside me died
I wish he would insult me...  physically hurt me
Anything to stop this longing
I need to hear he doesn't love me...  abhors me.
To help me stop pretending
But as I look at him now
I know it is what it seemed
He never cared for me...  never would
And he'll forever be a dream
So I tell my friends I'm okay
And fought to save my pride
Pasted on my smile
And made a mask from which I hide
And fervently, I pray to God
To let me let him go
Tried to summon my darkest feelings
But I could never hate him, I know
And as time passed, I found myself again
But his memory I've never forgotten
And despite my pain, I know I'd still choose
To be lost with him again.

Ang Langgam

Naisip mo na ba
Kung paano ang buhay langgam?
Maghapong nagtratrabaho
Buhat dito, kayod diyan
Ubod ng bigat man ang pasanin
Hala sige, kayod pa rin
Umaasang sa tag ulan
Sila ay may kakanin
Bagama't bulag
At di nakikita ang daan
Talunan man at munti
Patuloy pa rin ang paglaban
Hindi napapansin
Pagkat iisa ang kaanyuan
Nagsisilbi sa reyna
Na wala rin namang pakialam
Inaapakan, pinipipi
Pinipitik sating damit
Ngunit buhay pa rin, kayod muli
Hinaharap ang buhay na pasakit
Kaya't pag langgam ay iyong nakita
Sana sila'y bigyang pansin
Pagkat ako'y tulad nila
... Isang langgam sayong paningin.

the unloved

As I remember old times
I wish I could pretend
To be that carefree someone
And have that innocence again
But my heart and eyes were opened
And I can never go back
I must face the painful trials
And fight to keep myself intact
Yet it gets harder and harder to fight
My demons that lie within
Fighting for them, fighting for love
Knowing I won't ever win
There is always the shame
There is always the fear
There is always my voice
That no one ever hears
Why isn't there someone
To hold me when I cry?
Why is there no one
To protect me from the night?
Would this lonely solitude
Remain forever the same
Won't the sun ever shine
Always the coldness, always the rain?
I always ask myself, "why am I lonely?"
Though I have the world and I am free
Is it because I don't love myself enough?
Or just because I'm the only one who does?

is it you?

Here I am again
At the brink of love
Fearing the unknown
The magic that rules the heart
Tell me stranger
Is it love we'll find
Is this need in our hearts
Or just in our minds?
You know I'm yours for the asking
If you're asking for true love
Although there's one thing I ask of you
Please, this time, don't break my heart
Hoping you'll understand
How it grows stronger.. more and more
So many things I ache to say
So please don't close your doors
I've kept my dreams of you and me
Kept my feelings deep inside
Although afraid, I pray
That you could see it in my eyes
To my heart and my soul
I'll give you the key
I can give you my all
Just please... don't let go of me.

I love you more

Deep in your eyes there's a promise
I am yours and you are mine
Yet something inside me kept saying
Don't trust your heart this time
I have found my way to find you
And still, something's very wrong
I'm so afraid to take a chance again
That I can't just go along
Am I so betrayed
That my heart can never be the same?
I've run from love so long
Could my mind be playing games?
Help me look past these shadows in my mind
So it's the truth that I could see
Let me feel what it's like to feel again
And break these callouses off of me
We're worlds apart, we're not the same
And you play the game, I know
That it scares me to let my feelings show
And so afraid to let it grow
Yet I haven't the choice
I must keep my feelings strong
That I may, in some way
Someday find your song
I can't find my way out
Fearing it'll be as before
And yet somehow, I've learned to accept
That I was made.. to love you more.

for you my friend..

Standing by the shore
The waves churning beneath us
The sun bids goodbye
As the shadow of the night fills the sky
You held my hand...
I watched the beauty of your face
Emanating strong masculinity
Of quiet strength
And childish vulnerability
Locked in nostalgia
Of times spent together
Good times.. cherished moments
Of shared tears and laughter
Picking me up
When I fall down and cry
Making me smile
When everyone bids goodbye
You held my hand then
As you do now
Sharing me your love
Giving me your vow
Your promise of friendship
OF forever... together
Your promise of trust
Of leaving me never
I see you now
As I saw you then
My only truth
My only strength
My only love
My dearest friend
Suddenly, she called your name
And we both know soon, it wouldn't be the same
Reluctantly, you turned her way
And I desperately wanted you to stay
I watched you walk away
Filled with pain... full of hurt
I whispered softly, " I love you".
If only you had heard.

IF

If I believe in fairytales
Would all my dreams come true?
If I could learn magic
Would he wish for me too?
If there really are miracles
Would my prayers be heard?
If there's magic in the moonlight
Would he know that I cared?
If I could see the future
Would I see that we're meant to be?
If I could hold the stars
Would he look? Would he see me?
If I see a rainbow
And I follow its bend
Would I see gold?
Would I find him in its end?
If I'd believe in paradise
Would he be here forever?
If I would learn to hope
Would we someday be together?
And if by chance I could be perfect
Would I finally see?
If he'd love me enough
If he'd leave her for me?

forbidden love

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
Your whispered goodbye
Like a knell in my ear
Thy cheeks went cold
And paler thine skin
That hour foretold
Both hearts sorrowful... saturnine.
Two people parted
Filled with guilt, full of tears
With hearts both haunted
Compelled to part for years
Both vows barely broken
Suddenly, I heard thy name
Our two broken souls met again
Both sharing in our shame
They know not I know thee
Know thee too well
Long, long, shall I love thee
Too deeply to tell
Hearts longing for the other
Must not love, destined to sever
Both hearts promised to others
Bound in our vows forever
For if thou were half a man
And if my essence I lack
We would have freely loved
And beckoned the other back
A love so true and pure
But could never be
A love to hold in our hearts
To cherish in our memory
And if ever I should meet again
After long, long years
How must I greet thee?
In silence and with tears.

it's tough being me

It's tough to be me, no one really knows
What it's really like, this is how it goes
Waking up every morning
Staring into this face
Telling myself I'm a winner
All the while feeling disgrace
You get up because you must
And dress up to face a world
A world full of vultures
A world so big your efforts' blurred
A world where love rules everything
But which only the beauties could win
And in all these, if you don't fit in
You become butts of jokes and words obscene
You would try your best
And you would give your all
But in the end you'd still lose
And another would have it all
All these times I get so low
When I think of this world that I am in
But then I realize, it really isn't so bad
If I think how my life has been
Sometimes I wonder
Where to go and who to talk to
I would feel lost
And wouldn't know what to do
And then I would think,
"I'm not the only one with troubles to deal with"
To hell with everybody
I still have so much to do and give
It's tough to be me, sometimes life's not fair
Sometimes I'd wish for somewhere to go
And sometimes I'd wish for someone to care
But though it's tough being me
I know God has His reasons for this dare
So in surpassing them we can shine like jewels...
Precious and rare.

life

With our journey long
And the road rough
It's hard to find the strength
And it's hard to be tough
But through all these ups and downs
We must learn to smile despite the frowns
We learn to love and share our pain
And help each other throughout the rain
We learn to lean when we can't stand
To give our shoulders, and extend our hand
We learn what's right from what is wrong
And that is how we find where we truly belong
And though this road is hard and it seems so long
We learn to take life lightly, each step with a song
Because it is only through life's bends and turns
That we can truly grow and we can truly learn
We can choose the road that leads to the sea
Or the road that leads to love,peace, and harmony.

It's you!

I woke up
With a strange taste in my mouth...
... It was you.
I inhaled you cologne
Used your shampoo
So anywhere, I'd be with you
One day I borrowed your shirt
And then I went to work
People kept on saying, "where'd you get that shirt?
It really isn't you."
I said, "ofcourse it is!"
But that wasn't really true.
... It was you.
Having lunch with a friend
We got into an argument
She asked where I got that attitude
And I said it was new
But that wasn't new...
... It was you.
God, it's you
And here I go again
I hear the trumpets blow
I'm happy again.. I'm all aglow
Taking a chance on hurt...
Taking a chance on love...
Taking a chance for you.

last song

You looked my way and smiled
So I took the chance
To feel you near for just a while
Even for just one dance
I held on to your sleeve
As my heart kept on hoping
Longing you were mine to keep
Even though it's wishful thinking
For a moment, you were mine to hold
To embrace and cherish
I just let my eyes close
And just listen to you breathe
Just let me savor your hands
As it lay on my waist
Let me drown in those eyes
Rest my fingers on your nape
I could stay this way for eternity
Dance in your arms for good
Doesn't matter if you want me
Doesn't matter if I should
For a moment, I was swept away
Filled with music and happiness
Content that somehow, someway
You held me and caressed
My heart was shattered
I was frozen through time
For suddenly, you whispered a name
A name that wasn't mine
But then I thought... neither are you.
So please, just hold me, for a minute or two
just until this last song ends
Maybe then, I'll remember
You belong to someone else.

maybe tomorrow

Do you know that tomorrow
Is another great day?
New things to do
And come your way
Do you know that tomorrow
I will be with you
To guide you and follow
And help you push through
Tomorrow there'll be roses
All fragrant with dew
With all its sweetness
Remaining with you
Do you know that tomorrow
I would wake up and smile
Because each thought of you
Makes anything worth my while
How I wish it were real
How I wish it were true
How I wish I'd see tomorrow
Not alone... but with you.

someday

I gazed into your eyes far away
My doubt giving way
To a feeling so strong
But which I know is wrong
I was frozen on my tracks
Confused of the jumbled feelings coming back
I searched your eyes for answers
But then, they darted back to hers
A cue that snapped me back to reality
And the painful realization, that it can't be real for me.
Though I've never loved so honestly
You remain far from veracity
Two people alike... you and me
But with divergent songs... diverse destinies..
Closing my eyes.. I see your vision dance in me
And that way you are mine.. even just through fantasy
And this haunts me..
Knowing you're not mine... and never will be.
But I go on.. and find the life for me
I go on.. and search for another melody
But forever, there is a place
In my heart, a part is yours always
And still, I'd hope for the day
That day you'll come again my way
I'll just be here, waiting to love you
If only you would come to love me too..

wishes

I vowed never again
To give my heart away
Because the price of love
Is too high to pay
But you made me forget
The mistakes I once made
And I think you are worth
The risk I have to take
I adore your face, your smile, your stance
And prayed to God to give me a chance
A chance to show you all that I feel
And this dream... to make it real
But slowly.. I realized
As you looked into her eyes
That it's only a fantasy
For precious you to care for simple me
But I never give up... I still try
Because I can't seem to say goodbye
And here I am lying to myself
Can't accept this love's for someone else
Now I'm here... Wishing on a star tonight
Not for success, nor riches in life
But what my wish could only be
Is just for you to wish for me.

reveries

With every drop of rain that falls
A flower grows
Beyond every darkness
A candle glows
In every someone that goes astray
Someone's there who shows the way
I believe in all my prayers heard
Every sigh, every tear, every word
For someone real to love, to care
Someone I'd find... sometime, somewhere
Are you out there alone?
Do you carry on without me?
When will my waiting end
The time that you would find me?
I don't know who you are
Doesn't matter if we're now apart
Doesn't matter if you don't know me now
You're still close to my heart
God, watch over him
The man who holds a part of me
Keep him safe, show him the way
So that someday he could be with me
But for now I'll dream
Of the time I'll be your wife
Come dream with me
As I've dreamed of you all my life.

The cynic

You look at me..
What do you see?
Am I someone real? Or just a phony?
And is this world that surrounds me
A world of laughter? or despondency?
Smiling through a thousand tears
Plagued with uncertainty and fears
Dreaming of things that can never be
This someone, that hides inside of me
The darkness overcomes
And the questions remain
That search for someone
Always lead to shame and pain
But it changed, I could suddenly see
Into the night, you came over me
Like the tide, washing away my tears
A savior... to cure my years
But just as I knew... shadows never go
Days always turn to nights
And always, happiness turn to woes
And now, I know the pain
With these wounds that would never heal again
I'll always be outside... just looking in
And never again would I let them win.

our promise

To the pilot of my dreams
The ace of my heart
To the joy of my life
The one I loved from the start
To the bright sun and the light
Of my soul at dawn
To the bright star like the love
Only you and I own
You were every dance
I have ever missed
Worth all the guys
I have never kissed
Every tear I've ever shed
Every wrong path I've ever led
Every valentines I've been alone
Every man I've loved and gone
Every cruelty that came my way
Every pain I had to pay
Every chance that came to pass
And those happiness that never last
Every dream that's always shattered
In losing something that had mattered
Thank you for filling
The puzzles of my heart
Thank you for giving me
Your soul, your love, your guard
Remember that the love
That keeps us together
Was a promise made
To be kept forever...

delusions

You know it can never be real
But still, why do you wish it?
You know it can never be true
And still, why do you hope for it?
Love is a gamble
And it is always a game
There is always a winner
And in the end, you lose all the same
Yet here you are again
Standing right next to him
Someone so perfect... Someone so great
Something you want so badly to win.
He doesn't know, and you can never tell him
For if you do, the magic might stop
And you cannot face reality
Because the fantasy is all you've got.
So you go on with the deception
You go on with your game
You tell yourself there might come a time
Someday, he might feel the same.
And eventually, the wind will pass
And with it he'll move on
As always, you'll be left longing
As always, you'll be left alone.
And you wonder if it's worth it
To start this fantasy that soon will end
Will you treasure these moments
Knowing someday you'll be left alone to mend?
But I'm too weak to fight
Too weak to continue struggling
And so I continue to love him
Just hoping someday I'd stop dreaming...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

dreams

Let me close my eyes
So I can dream he's mine
So I can forget the tears
And my fears I can leave behind
I long to see
The face that's only his
So I must sleep.. help me sleep
For only fantasies can bring me this
And in this night
Sing him a lullabye
Hear my plea, hear my prayer
Let him close his eyes
And maybe then you could show him
Maybe then he could see
This someone who dreams of him
And maybe then he'd dream of me.
Let him see these hands
the hands that long to touch him
Let him feel this love
And let him hear this heart's whim
My heart's only wish
That it wouldn't be what it seems
That he would love me... Truly love me
And that it wouldn't be a dream.

what must i do?

I am strong now
At least that's what I thought
But again I saw you
And there I am... Again I'm caught
It is over... I can't stay this way
And I promised I'd break away
But it happens all the time
And as always, I'd be there to stay
And now is no different
Now you're still hers to own
But my heart says differently
And that you're still mine alone
Did I just dream you into life?
Please tell me, I need to understand
I need to know who it is
Who holds my fate in his hand?
All I wanted was a melody
That someone to complete my song
Without knowing it, I found you
Someone so right, and yet so wrong
Must I close my eyes
Tell me.. Must I leave it this way?
Must I fight to make you mine
Or say goodbye and go my way?

pretense

Someday will come
When I can do what's right
Someday I'll find a way
The strength to give up this fight
But for now I go around
Here... Just pretending
Playing a part with my friends
Acting as if this heart is mending
But the day comes to an end
And I go home late at night
And alone, I forget
That I have to do what's right
I need to close the door
To every memory
To every word, every touch
To all of you that's chaining me
I know what I must do
I know the road to take
But every time I think of you
It's a decision my heart won't make
Please take this hope away
Help me... Tell me what to do
Please give me a reason
The reason to forget you.

say goodbye

He's the only one to do it
that in just hearing his name
My heart would beat faster
And slower all the same
But I have lost myself
To someone who can never be mine
I had lost... I am defeated
By a memory lost in time
But in his every memory
And in my every dream
Would come the pain...
Another moment I'd spend with him.
I kept on fighting... kept on hoping
Tried holding on so tough
But I have to face it... He's gone
And memories shouldn't be enough
I don't know who I am without him
For I am half of what I've been
And here I am, left in between
What is true and just a dream.
And all these nights, I close my eyes
Should I just leave it this way?
For it's the only time that he is mine
The only way to make him stay
There's another in his heart
Someone else in his memory
Someone who owns all his dreams
With nothing more left for me
And in this day's last hours
As I lay down my bed
I vow to block out the feelings
And hear the voices inside my head
Voices that kept saying
Stop these tears that you now shed
Stop the love from your weakened heart
And let it whisper goodbye instead.

if only...

The sky is falling
I'm here all alone
Still thinking about him
Can't make myself move on
He carries on with life
And left me here without him
Caught somewhere in between
What is real and what are dreams
I need to give up
And would've settled for what's before
But now I'm this empty shell
Without the right to yearn for more
Come back to me
Let me relive the dream
I am here wide awake
Yet still asleep, so it may seem
Months passed... days grew
But my heart was left by time
It has stayed where he was
At the times I thought he's mine
Oh if only dreams were real
If I can be as strong as I seem
If only he couldn't hurt me
If only I could stop loving him.

infinite void

Looking out at the horizon
I sat in silence
Waiting for the tears to come
Laying down my defense
Trying to conjure
Imaginary shadows
Thinking of reasons
And creating fears and woes
Thinking of concrete explanations
For this grievance... This loneliness
Confused in crying over nothing
Not knowing the root of this emptiness
For the someone one has never known
Why then would one cry?
For something one never had
How could one say goodbye?
For the absence of love
A thing I've never known
A thing I've never felt
Yet wish for one that I could own
Am I then to be judged as crazy
For my sorrow caused by nothing?
Without a real cause, real problems
Without real reasons for crying?
And now I ask myself, "which is better?"
A heart spurned but later mends?
Or this life I lead filled with serenity
But with an emptiness that never ends...

was it real?

I sat here thinking
About a memory
Passed by new memories, passed by time
But still kept deep within me
A memory of a boy, a special someone
Of a chance that slipped by
Of the only love I have ever had
The same love that he denied
The only one whom for me was real
Who planted the scars into my soul
That never again was I ever the same
And never again was I ever whole
The boy I measured everyone against
And with whom I gave my all
The someone I thought would love me forever
The same one who failed me and let me fall
I knew it was just wishful thinking
He's just a dream that was almost real
But almost is not enough
Coz here I am alone.. He's not here still
That whom I considered once as mine
Was someone I could never have
And that what he gave before
Were just lies and never love
And now I ask, was mine real love?
Or are my tears just for my pride?
Can I ever go past these wounds?
Or must I forever hide?

nothing more without you

I saw you laughing
Having fun with your friends
Your eyes were shining
Like the sun's light that never ends
Then your eyes turned my way
And without words being spoken
Your lips gave a smile
And all my fears were broken
Time was suspended
And it's only you I could see
A billion people all around us
But right then, it's just you and me.
With the world's noise all over us
And no matter how loud
Among all of those people
Your drowned out the crowd.
And in that fleeting moment
In that borrowed time
I savored the feeling
Of you being mine
But time must move on
And I must face what's true
I closed my eyes and hoped
That when they open, I'd still find you
But as they did
It is as I've known
The moment was broken
And time has moved on
The dream was over
The fantasy was through
I am now again just me
Just.. nothing.. without you.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

puerto galera

Are you a little low on cash? thinking of the beach? of partying all night long? well puerto galera is the place to be! I've actually been there a number of times and I never went back home disappointed. The last time I've been there, my friends and I met in Ortigas around 10am and took a cab bound to Buendia for the bus terminal. Wrong wrong move! We were assailed by all kinds of road jam. But once there, we rode the bus for the Batangas pier and from then on, our trip went smoothly. 2 hrs from Buendia, we were dropped off Batangas pier and were bombarded by various shipping line ticket sellers.


We bought tickets from the first ferry scheduled to sail (brian shipping lines) and hurried aboard. In all fairness to brian shipping lines, their ferry is sizeable and you would actually feel secure in addition to the life jackets and able-looking crew. I was a little apprehensive because it was already hours past noon and I was thinking that it would be a bumpy and wavy ride. To add to the apprehension, I just read the news the day before about ferries sinking amid these waters which quite fairly, may be shark infested (according to my neurotic mind atleast). But luckily, I was distracted by good company and snapping of photos that after what seems awhile (1 1/2 hours at least) , we arrived in white beach.

It was moderately crowded and as we embarked, I could see the curly-haired maong-wearing girl that was to be our lodge guide. We stayed at HSL beach resort (formerly Lagundian Hills) which was a great idea since aside from being cheap, clean, and having attentive employees, it is a bit remote from the bars but still at the beach front that if we prefer a little quiet time, we'll have our solace.

We stayed there for 3 days and 2 nights. We spend the days lolling around the beach, delving into the waters... Exploring the island ( well, the Tamaraw falls at least) and trying out the water rides (they offer snorkeling, banana boats, jet ski, parasailing, etc..).

The nights are oozing with alcohol and it is when we whoop it up and party. The bars and the parties are actually the main things that attract tourists especially the young to Puerto Galera, making it an affordable version of Boracay. We sampled the mindoro sling which is actually just gin and pomelo.. The kind of drink in which one minute you're okay, the next you seem like knocking at death's door.


I also enjoy the food in puerto galera because aside from being cheap, most of it are barbecued.

On that third day just a little past noon, we rode the ferry back to Batangas pier. It is really a very enjoyable place and being a beach aficionada, I plan on coming back.. well, once a year atleast.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Laoag...


I never thought I was into old museums and old churches until I went to Ilocos Norte. There were tons of old churches and relics that we visited, one of which was the Paoay Church. I actually thought it was very nice to get married in such a church with its grand structure and historical magnificence. Near this church however, there is a lake with a tragic and mysterious legend. It was said to be haunted and that every night a large bell could be seen underwater and fishermen would hear it clanging. And every year, the spirit underneath the lake takes a life offering, one of which has been the wife of the famous Farinias. I could not shake the gloom after we visited that lake. After that, we climbed through the Cape Bojeador lighthouse all the way up the wide and steep steps that are a smoker's nightmare. It sits on the hill of Vigia in Burgos creating a breathtaking view from the top of the lighthouse. It is a bit unfortunate then though that at noontime, the lighthouse could be scorching hot. However, being in Ilocos Norte the best sight to see are the Bangui windmills. We took lots of pictures as they were spectacular 70 meter-high structures not only made to create a spectacle but are very useful in accelerating the rural electrification of the goverment. Made by Marcos, no doubt that every Ilocano I spoke with in my short stay there have high regards to the family. Speaking of which, we also visited the marcos museum with his body preserved in wax. Unfortunately, cameras are prohibited inside and if you were so much as caught using one, it would be confiscated by the armed soldiers swarming the place. The place was complete with important letters, pictures, and memorabilias of the late president and even his old presidential chair. Right across the street can be found Imelda's abode where she was still said to retire at times. There were more places to visit like Fort ilocandia and Malacañang of the North but we were sadly lacking in time as our flight was scheduled for 7pm that night and we needed to check in at the airport at 5. we tiredly but exhilaratedly drove back to the airport to await our flight. Hoping that someday, we would be able to return with longer days to spend touring and more money to indulge.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Pagudpud...


Nasayaat lugar. That is the Ilocano language for "good place".. And it truly was. Some may opt to take the bus from Manila to Ilocos but we opted to travel by air which was only an hour's ride and arrived at Laoag airport nearing noon. We bought some groceries and ate lunch at Robinsons Mall and lucky enough, we even saw Imelda Marcos dining at the food court. Afterwards, we
hired a jeep and went straight for Pagudpud. It was a couple of hours away from laoag and we enjoyed the scenic view and fresh air along the way. Arriving at our rented resort, the Villa Del Mar, I was surprised to see the beach.. it was pure white sand and the water was almost unreal.. Totally blue and clear. We were planning to relax that first day, hang around the beach taking pictures and having an early night for our tour the next day. We did that although in the middle of a relaxing dinner, we received news of the tragic intensity 8 earthquake in Chile and the warning to stay away from beaches as there was a threat of tidal waves due to the biggest quake in Earth's history. I was a lot worried since drowning was the kind of death I really do fear. We slept that night with no small amount of anxiety. The next day, all was well and the sun was shining! We went out to hear mass (which unfortunately was mostly in Ilocano language) and had our breakfast at Papa Nard's Resto. We then proceeded with the 2-hour trek to the beautiful Kabigan Falls.. All the sweating and near dehydration was worth it once you lay eyes on the falls. The water was so cold and light and the mountain air smelled so fresh. We spent about 3 hours before climbing back down and having some cold coconut juice at the foot of the mountain offered by the locals. Next, we went to bantay abot cave or what they call the "mountain with a hole". It was great to take pictures since you could see the whole ocean and feel the strong winds while standing at the edge of the cave. I thought then that I had seen the great beaches in Pagudpud but it was nothing compared to the Blue Lagoon. It was the one they call "Boracay of the North" and with its clear waters and fine white sand, I agree that it really is. Although instead of the populated and developed Boracay shores, Blue Lagoon is a virgin island and untamed. We went to see the Patapat viaduct, Agua grande, and the Patapat Natural Park. Exhausting as the day was, no one complained as it was all worth it. There were even spots we failed to visit due to lack of time and the long distances. No doubt about it, Pagudpud, even if taken the 14-hour drive from Manila would still be worth the long wait and sore backside.